Me and my Low Self-Esteem

i have always had issues when it comes to my self confidence.

since i was a kid i would always try to shy away from attention and other people cause i feel like i’m not worthy to be noticed. it’s like i have a terrible disease that i am ashamed to let other people discover.

i’ve had my share of some school competitions that i joined when i was younger. in my primary school days i joined poetry writing contests, oratorical and declamation contests and the like. knowing that i had experiences in such competitions, one would wonder why am i saying that i have confidence issues when the competitions i mentioned clearly needed the confidence to be there.

i was able to muster a bit of the confidence needed during those times and yes, that was enough. for the time being at least. all that mattered to me was to let the time pass and have it done with.

it’s strange that i am talking about my lack of self confidence when you would clearly think that what i am talking about is non sense. you may be thinking, “how could you say that i lack self confidence?”

well, it all started when i was young. i am the youngest of my siblings and as such, my dad wanted me to lead and set a good example to my relatives.

so i did what i could to help around. but my dad had a bad temper and would tend to yell everytime i make i mistake or sees something that he doesn’t like.

he would yell at me and call me stupid in front of everyone. well, by everyone i mean my siblings at least. and much to my dismay, i would even catch my older brother snickering at me seeing that i am bein scolded by our dad.

those instances cut deeply into my heart and etched a scar in my very identity. that led me to having self esteem issues.

those times made me think less of my self. i felt like everyone is looking down at me and that i am near worthless.

of course i have relatives and friends who support me and tell me otherwise. especially my Lola, who has always been there when i needed a shoulder to cry on and when my dad yelled at me. she always comes to the rescue.

but eventhough she talks to me saying that i’m a nice person and i’m not worthless, the wound that the experience has given me never did heal.

up until now i have issues when it comes to my self esteem.

people, my friends specifically, tell me that i am good looking but then i would just laugh and say, “you’re jsut saying that cause you are my friends.”

i don’t know how to accept compliments because at the back of my head i’m still thinkin that those are not true. i tend to look down on my self and think that i am not worthy of any of those praises or compliments that people are givin me.

this feeling has given a huge effect on me. on my personal life as well as my career. i just need to find a way on how to overcome this. i jsut wish i knew what that is. cause when low self esteem kicks in, for sure i won’t be able to function well…