Recovering...

It brings much more pain if one realizes the true worth of a being's existence after the reason ceases to exist for her. So much pain yet so little comfort. Neither have I foreseen nor anticipated so much sorrow that if I were aware, then I could have resisted and prevented this treacherous heart to go on beating.

I would often wonder on the wisdom of one who speaks of having loved and lost than not to have loved at all. How can a fleeting moment of bliss and happiness make up for the heartaches of not one nor two but a few weeks that seemed countless of years? All those memories of places and times, hounding not only my waking hours but intrude the innermost thoughts of my dreams. The pain of losing someone is in itself so much unbearable and then to seek the peace of mind which they say comes with time seems as yet to elude my outstretched mind.

Why does she have to come all too often to me? Be it in total awareness or in total abandonment which comes with sleep. To reach out to her yet finding that she is never within my fingertips. To cherish her touch yet no tender caress is felt. To yearn for her being and yet only find emptiness. How can any sensible human endure such torture of the soul? The heart aches more with every beat and yet, it continues to beat for her. Must one still own one's heart then? Must one seek out peace through an eternal dreamless sleep? I have often contemplated on such but the fear of what has yet to come would creep into my mind and fill me with terror on what would go on beyond that state of endless sleep. And that terror has thus served as roadblock to a path towards damnation. What can I do to ease the burden of my heart? Yes, this heart. This heart which has often leap for joy at the thought of her, at the sight of her, at the scent of her and at the thought of her fingers. To hear again her laughter, to feel her again in my arms. This heart which enabled me to love this lady. There can be no doubt that there had been true love between us although regretting that we never defined what we've had at that moment in time.

As memories of our times together would gradually envelop my vision, I can at least say that I have been indeed blessed with so much. With that thought, I can glimpse a smile on my lips. And then the realizations that peace, though fleeting, has indeed arrived. It is then that my heart would leap once more at the thought that there is hope. That salvation from this wretched shell I find myself in will finally set me free. And only then could I trust myself to look back on those happier times with not a single feeling of regret but sheer joy that she has spent a part of her life with me. And the knowledge that she has loved me with her whole being during those moments would set my heart beating not with sadness but with gratitude and fulfillment. And I know that I will keep those memories forever. Oh indeed the wisdom of having "loved and lost than not to have loved at all"...For without memories to treasure, what is there in existing at all?